fear of the big three...

As I near my 100th jump I am thinking about where I am now compared to where I was when I began. After my first skydive I thought that if I could learn to conquer the fear of skydiving that I would be able to do anything in life. Ninety-five jumps later I find that, although I have learned a lot, I am more the same than I am changed. Skydiving has taught me that I have the capacity to confront fear, even use it, and take control of my path. However, contrary to what I thought it would do, it has not erased my many other fears in life. The thought of jumping from an airplane seemed so incredibly frightening back then. It elicited a visceral gut response, an instinctual reflex to avoid... that look down, even an infant is afraid of falling. Now I realize that skydiving has not changed many of my fears. There are so many things that I am afraid of more than jumping out of an airplane. B.A.R. It is an acronym used to express the most common human psychological fears: Betrayal. Abandonment. Rejection. These things are far more difficult to master than the knee-jerk response to a fear such as falling. It turns out that facing death is less frightening than facing the big three. In fact, experiencing such a powerful experience as skydiving and embracing the respect that its dangers demand is a rather effective method of escaping, if only for 60 seconds, the fear of the big three.

But is the fear of B.A.R. really just psychological? Perhaps it is just as embedded with instinctual, irrational fear, the same place as fear of falling and spiders and snakes. It exists on the same level as the fear of death. And if you really think about it, to a child's mind, those three things are a matter of life and death. For a child the acts of betrayal, abandonment or rejection on behalf of a parent or caretaker can literally mean death. But it is one's experiences through time that truly defines one's fear. For me I am not afraid of "vermin" such as snakes, rats or spiders, for I have kept them as pets before. However, I am deathly afraid of cockroaches, because I once lived in a place which was infested with them and it made me afraid of the sickness they might give me. As for falling, I've fallen in love with that. It's associated now with great pleasure and satisfaction. Our fears are not solid, but malleable, changeable, and have different meaning over time.

So now I am back to the fear of B.A.R. -- of which I admit that skydiving has not cured. But somehow there is something comforting about that. I guess that just makes me human... just like every other skydiver and just like everyone on the ground who swears they will NEVER jump. I suppose that flying in the sky does not actually make me a superhero. And I'm okay with that. Being a superhero would be far too lonely.